Why We Stay: Exploring the Hard Truths About Unhappy Relationships
Ending a relationship can feel really hard. It can feel hard, even if there is a part of you that knows the relationship is no longer right for you. There are so many reasons we stay in unhappy relationships. We’ll explore some of the most common ones and offer gentle reflections to help you check in with what you actually want and need.
Why do we stay in relationships that are no longer serving us?
Because it used to be good… There may have been a time in the relationship when things felt really good. You may have felt loved, seen, and appreciated by the other person.
Because of this, you may be holding onto the hope that things could be good again and that you just need to give it more time.
This may or may not be true. Sometimes, there are periods in relationships where things feel rockier than others. Sometimes, couples are able to put in the work to overcome this and come out even stronger. But other times, the hope that things may return to what they used to be may keep you stuck in a relationship that won’t actually be able to serve you further. If you’re not sure about the longevity of your relationship, reflect on what’s causing the disconnect. What changed? What is your intuition telling you about the chances of recovering what once was? It may be helpful to gently consider how much more time and energy you’re willing to invest in the relationship before it begins to come at the cost of your well-being.
Because change can feel scary… Change can be intimidating due to the uncertainty it brings. So, you may choose to stay in a relationship that you know isn’t serving you because you may be doubting your ability to cope with the aftermath.
When deciding if you want to end a relationship, your mind may be filled with constant worst-case scenarios: What if you don’t meet someone else? What if it’s too painful? What if you’re making the wrong decision? If you are staying in a relationship because you’re scared of what comes next, try and reframe the story you’re telling yourself: What if it all just works out? What if good things are coming your way? What if this ending opens the door to a more fulfilling chapter? Your doubt in yourself may be the biggest obstacle to entering a life that feels better for you. Reframing your thoughts and acknowledging your strengths can help you navigate this time with greater confidence.
Because you’re comfortable…Even if you’re not happy, you may be feeling comfortable. At times, being in a relationship can provide a sense of security and stability. Relationships often offer familiarity, and they add routine to your life. So even if you’re not happy, the relationship is what you know.
And since we’re creatures of habit, it can be hard to let go of the feelings and outcomes associated with relationships. If you find yourself not wanting to let go due to the comfort, reflect on what the comfort is really offering you. Are your needs being met, or is the comfort just filling space?
Because you feel guilty…As women, we’ve never really been taught to prioritise ourselves. Society views us as caretakers, and it can feel like we’re expected to put everyone’s needs before our own. Because of this, you may be experiencing guilt for wanting to end a relationship.
You may feel guilty about hurting the other person’s feelings, or you may feel guilty about the possibility of letting your friends and family down. If guilt is preventing you from leaving a relationship, focus your energy on self-compassion. Prioritising your needs isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. You have to put yourself first, as no one else is experiencing what you are. So, try to let go of the guilt, and remind yourself that choosing yourself can be the right and powerful thing to do.
Because of the messages you’ve heard…We learn that relationships are hard. We learn that relationships take work. So, we may stay in unhappy relationships because of the messages we’ve inherited about the importance of “pushing through.”
We may believe that ending the relationship leads to a negative representation of who we are. Ultimately, you know yourself best. You know your limits, and in the back of your mind, you also probably know what you can and can’t expect in a relationship. The decision to continue or end the relationship has to be based on your needs, not external messages.
Because you don’t believe you deserve better…Our insecurities can sometimes be our biggest barrier. We may stay in relationships because we believe this is the best we can do, and it is what we deserve. If you do feel this way, ask yourself, “Why?” Why do you feel the need to settle for something less than? Why are there limits to what you deserve?
Because of patterns in previous relationships…The other relationships we’ve been a part of can shape what we accept in future ones. So if relationships in your past (with previous partners, friends, or caregivers) were filled with chaos, inconsistency, or conflict, you may be more likely to accept other toxic relationships.
Likewise, your previous experiences have contributed to the schemas your brain has formed around what love entails. You may believe that love comes with pain and difficulty. But you’re allowed to change this. Reflecting on previous relationships can be hard, but it can also be healing. Gently ask yourself: “What did I previously define as love?” “What do I want to define love as now?” “How do I get there?”
If any of this resonated, give yourself permission to pause and reflect. You deserve to feel safe, valued, and at peace in your relationships. And you’re allowed to choose yourself, even if it’s hard.
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